Living with a CAD is no joke.
I live on Medical Management after Triple bypass procedure was considered unviable.
I have strict Diet Regimen.
I Walk twice or thrice day and my range is 10 to 15 Km per day.
This has helped me get strength in past 4.5 years.
It does not make me Invincible though.
End comes to all. I wrote these lines for my last day as I may not have that strength left to write them.
My body is broken, I can feel it.
Weak, crushed and beyond repair.
Surely this is the end, surely there’s no coming back from this.
No, it can’t be, it mustn’t be.
How long has it been?
Somebody will find me soon though.
Ha, as if. This is no time for jokes, stupid mind.
Is there really no way out of this mess?
No way for me to live?
I’m not ready to die,
I’m not ready for it all to end.
Somebody please find me, I need help.
Somebody, please save me.
I don’t want to die.
It’s very quiet out here, or maybe my mind is just failing me.
It’s peaceful though, I guess.
But I still need to get out of here, but how?
I’m too tired and too broken to do anything,
I’ll need help.
Oh please let help be on the way, I don’t want to die out here.
All alone, lost and forgotten.
I can’t.. I won’t.. I’m not going to make it.
I can’t be saved, it’s too late.
It’s far too late.
I’m going to die.
Oh no, I’m going to die!
Please, not yet, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.
My mind is numb, I’m feeling drowsy.
I can’t think straight anymore, I’m too tired.
The world looks distorted, I can’t make sense of any of it anymore.
My mind is numb.
Things Average Out – Almost daily ! 🙂
My Cup of Tea Meaning: Someone or something that one finds to be agreeable or delightful. My mentor once sadi, ask a stranger for a feedback or a solution to your top of mind problem and you are most likely to get it. I used this today with a Film maker and sought his advice and what a wonderful discussion we had – educative, enlightening, inspiring and most helpful. Acting or making films are not my profession. I did Censor films though 🙂 but being considered for a Cast and an interview by a Top director was not my cup of tea. Advice just flowed and the expert filled many of my knowledge gaps. Wonderful day today.
Quick and Dirty Meaning: Things that done with great speed, but as a result, they are not going to work very well. My MacPro is now old and become so slow that I am fed up. The new models have not arrived in India yet and the dealers are trying to push old models with hard sell. I was looking for a iMac this time as I rarely step out with a laptop but most dealers do not have it in stock in a IT capital of India Bangalore. What a shame ! Are they discontinuing the iMac ? I wonder.
No Ifs, Ands, or Buts Meaning: Finishing a task without making any excuses. To go to a CSC or Family Pension Fund office has become a ritual every year for every Senior citizen. It is sad. Most CSC’s are not equipped or have slow networks and avoid this lowly paid activity. I also face issues with my fingerprints 🙂 – the prints don’t match ! WOW 1 So they take the photo of the eyes at few locations where the queues are huge. Do I have a choice – No!
Quality Time Meaning: Spending time with another to strengthen the relationship. I am loving the Toastmasters. I started going for their meetups in mid August, was terrified with the Table topics but started my Pathways journey and crossed Level 1. It is working well. I like the time spent.
Cut To The Chase Meaning: To get to the point, leaving out all the unnecessary details. The count from a13th May, the Muse and the message, inspiration or negativity is getting buried today. 100k view is still sometime away but mind is at peace and there is no negativity, The heart is pure. Will keep at it by writing more posts and less sharing going forward on this blog.
Cup Of Joe Meaning: A cup of joe is an American nickname for a cup of coffee. The new mentee which I reluctantly took on board without even meeting is enthusiastic and experienced. I receptive and when I pushed him to the wall – his response was fantastic. I like him and may invite him for a cup of Joe 🙂
Shot In the Dark Meaning: An attempt that has little chance for success. Not attempting to do any such things. All well planned activities and limited Goals and it feels great to measure and keep my eyes on the finish line.
Plot Thickens: The Meaning: The latest developments have become made the situation very serious. But I couldn’t care more. Decided not to take ownership or own others’ problems, not get emotionally invested in any one and give advice only when asked. and keep arms length distance.
Beating a Dead Horse Meaning: It is unwise to bring up a past resolved issue. Today is auspicious to close all such matters and resolved to do it. I have started some of my old favorite activities. Whistling, singing, listening to Retro songs and instrumental music and long walks! They are so refreshing.
Playing For Keeps Meaning: Said when things are about to get serious. The coming months are promising. Some good opportunities like filming, Global speakership are coming on the horizon with little efforts. Will attempt new strategies on the blogs and make both very active.
Whenever faced with a situation leading to horns of dilemma; that could cause me to procrastinate, delay, be in double minds like sitting on the horns of Dilemma, I go back to two holy books. 1. A Bible 2. BhagvadGita. I randomly select 2 verses and usually find my answers. I named it as Jay’s Tantra way.
See an example:
This is what Gita said.
Passage: No one is fierce enough to rouse it. Who then is able to stand against me?
This is what the Bible verse said.
See some similarities in the two random verses?
- The doubt in my heart is born out of ignorance and I need to establish myself in Yoga and stand up for fight- Cut my doubt in the heart with the sword of wisdom.
- Who is able to stand against you? There is no one fierce enough to rouse it.
I derived the following meaning – the chosen path is right. I need to concentrate, meditate and be ready for the fight whether or not it happens.
I also know, I have class and it will have to be a really fierce fight, if someone were to oppose or put hurdles in my chosen path.
Sounds simple, NO? I like this technique to work all the time.